In the world, or of the world?

Isn’t is strange how you can be in a huge crowd of people, and yet feel entirely alone? I realize that I am not the first person to make this (not so?) profound realization, but it wasn’t something that sank in until I was in the middle of it. At rehearsal today, I was in a hall with hundreds of people, and yet everyone was so engrossed with doing homework, listening to iPods, eating Chipotle etc… that I made no impact whatsoever on the dynamics of the room – zero. It was the strangest feeling to walk into a place and not have one single person be happy to see me, or angry to see me, or even to acknowledge my existence. I’m not saying a parade erupts and “Hail to the Chief” plays whenever I go somewhere, but to know that you have made no difference in a given space is so surreal.

I’m not holding any sort of pity party for myself. I decided long ago that music people had their own little groups and as the lone non-music major (ie, crazy person who can’t possibly understand the angst that lives in their poetic souls) that was fine with me. You can have your fermata jokes, because I don’t need them: I know a really funny Pope joke.

But it’s not just this – I realized that I have a tendency to isolate myself in life too, and not just when I don’t know people. And the strange thing about all of this, is that it doesn’t bother me. To walk into a room full of strangers and go sit in a corner alone would scare some people, and just seem weird to others, but not to me. But then, it doesn’t seem weird to me to eat dinner alone, go see a movie alone, or even just sit in my room alone, despite the fact that I live with several other people. I think it’s good to be OK with me; to be able to sit inside myself and not be afraid of the introspection that goes on. I really do like myself most of the time, and I don’t think many people have that. But do I like myself so much that I’m afraid of letting other people in? Or am I just afraid that if I let someone in, they won’t like me?

Am I destined to be alone?

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2 Comments

Filed under My World, School, Smartypants

2 responses to “In the world, or of the world?

  1. Jess

    It are these the thoughts of every great girl that know’s she is great, but is selling into what other people think what love is or should be? Sorry for the late night phone call. Love you lots and I had fun last night. I really wish that I was there when you spilled your drink. Thanks for always being there for me, even when I know the only way to get a hold of you is thourgh your blog. Hope that the opera goes great!! Awake thoes sailors!!

  2. mar

    um, no you are not destined to be alone, if for no other reason than we will live together all alone (possibly with some cats like all italian old maids tend to do). I know how you feel though, everyone has moments like that – ie. 600 kids all around you in a law library who don’t even know you’re alive…but I know you’re alive, and i hope that’s worth something…I miss you chica esp b/c i can’t imagine getting ready on friday w/o you.

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