Mullet Tales: part 2


Because I was the (not so) proud owner of a mullet from the ages of 4 to 6, I have spent a majority of my life devoted to a study of this strange phenomenon in hair. There are so many varieties, it’s difficult to cover them all, but in my exhaustive research, I think I’ve found the Big Three:

The Standard
Business in the front, party in the back – what a classic. The clipped man-bangs, the closely cropped feathers, and the long locks that range from shoulder length to (eww) longer. The permed back portion was also a popular variation on a traditional favorite. Hip from 1988 until approximately 1993, this style of mullet will never die.

The Fe-mullet
Mullets aren’t just for men anymore! While similar to the male mullet, the fe-mullet differs in a few ways. For one, the height requirement is often more stringent; fe-mullets are usually at least 6 inches from the scalp, especially if that scalp is partying like it’s 1991. Often teased, usually hairsprayed to death, and with wings that rival Farrah Fawcett’s (except all the way around!) the fe-mullet is often popular with older moms, people who work at Jo-Anne Fabric, and those who still think that Zack Morris and snap bracelets are hot.

The Euro Mullet
I have saved the best for last. The Euro Mullet is my personal favorite, mainly because I’ve had such close encounters with it. Por exemple, I went to a wedding this past summer. The wedding took place in the backwoods of Virginia (a place deserving of a post all its own) and the bride’s four Swedish cousins were flying in. The fact that the Swedish cousins did not know any English was ancillary, because once I saw their hair, their words were the furthest thing from my mind. That’s right, the Euro mullet. On all of them. It was a sight to behold: mother, father, sister, brother all had shaggy on top, tapered at the bottom, flipped out at the ends mullets that would do Sweden proud. With their blue suits and loafers they were like the second coming of ABBA, or perhaps half a Brady Bunch. But with mullets, which was the best part. The second best part was when they got lost and missed the entire wedding. I guess that language barrier was a problem after all…!

What’s the best mullet you’ve ever seen? Or, more importantly, do you still wear one? (If the answer to the second question is “yes” I want pictures, and I also want you to again think about why you don’t have a girlfriend…)

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