I know I usually write about funny things, or at least halfway amusing things. But life isn’t always funny, and mine isn’t funny at all right now, it’s completely chaotic – and not in the Britney Spears TV show kind of way, although that’s probably a good thing.
I have been having anxiety attacks over the past few weeks. Not every day, but enough that it’s starting to scare me, because I have never experienced this before. I don’t know if this is part of growing up, just part of being a junior in college, or something I have done to myself. Probably a combination of all three. I have to be honest with myself and realize that this is something I will need to deal with, because it won’t go away. Depression and anxiety run in my family, and it’s a disease that I may have to face one day, although I don’t at all believe that I am in an extreme place right now.
I don’t exactly know how to deal with it, is the thing. I don’t want to over-dramatize this, because many people have harder and busier lives than mine, but for me, taking 15 credits, having two jobs, trying to get good grades, be a good friend, and do things for all the other stuff I’m involved in is a lot to deal with right now, and my stress threshold has been reached.
I don’t yet know if I have the internship I wanted for this summer, I don’t know where I’m living this summer or next year, I have several tests and projects due (some of which are group projects, which means that I end up doing all the work) and I feel like I cannot live up to what everyone expects of me all the time, which is hard. Because from everyone else’s point of view, whatever they need from me is most important, and I always feel like I’m disappointing them on some level.
I will get through the next month of school, because time keeps going and I’m going with it. The fact that I know that tells me there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. But the thought that my grades might not be as good as they could be, or that I might not be doing all I can at work, at home, and for other people eats away at me.
I don’t know how to stop worrying. And that is starting to worry me.
How do you cope?