PSA from your friendly neighborhood hitwoman

Dear kid in class who talks too much,

As a public service to the rest of the class, I feel compelled to tell you what you probably already know: you talk waaay too much. I know, it’s a political science class, and everyone has their two cents to put in. But thus far, you’ve contributed at least $75.86, and I’m afraid that is well over the two-cent comment limit. And since we’re a political science class, and not a political campaign, you can keep your money – and your mouth – to yourself.

Sometimes I wonder if you were ignored as a child, or even worse, overly encouraged. Every word you say is not always valid or interesting, your running commentary and sound effects actually don’t enhance my education, and no, you are not a unique and special snowflake. Deal with it.

And the way you begin every comment with “Ummm… well, I’ve been thinking about it, and…” also really makes me wonder. Have you been thinking about it? Really? Do you think of all that in the five seconds between the last time you opened up your mouth and now, the moment of time in which you are again talking?

I know this won’t prevent any more outbursts like today’s (in which you called everyone in the class “fucking idiots” just in case you forgot) nor will it cause you to ever verbally censor yourself in any way, which is a shame because you need a verbal censor like I need a haircut – badly! But this might be my release from prison when my defense attorney uses this post as Evidence A. “She did warn him, your Honor.”

Yes, she did.

One whose mafia connections run deep


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