TMI

There are certain reasons to go to class. To ask questions of your professor, to engage in discourse with other students, to learn more about the topic at hand. Today, I went to Political Theory to learn more about Machiavelli. I did NOT go to class to hear about a brown recluse bite, asthma, strange cases of neck claustrophobia, a boyfriend’s bed sheets, living in her mother’s employer’s house, constant NPR listening, and ADD. Lucky for me, I heard all about them anyway! And why? Because some people have a little disease called TMI.

You know the people. You do. If only they gave off some sort of weird vibration, a strange sort of shimmery light that would delineate them from normal humans. Unfortunately, you only find out that they are carriers of the disease AFTER they tell you about that one time when they just, like, couldn’t get the poop all the way out!

I don’t know about you, but I just, like, couldn’t care less about that. Or about the spider bite, or even, believe it or not, the neck thing. I don’t care. I am the opposite of a gossip – if you have information that does not pertain to me, please keep it to yourself, because it’s just bad manners not to, and if there’s anything I hate more than bad manners it’s getting sick, and I’m afraid it might be contagious. It’s just not socially acceptable to reveal so much to perfect strangers, especially not in a classroom when people are trapped and forced to sit next to you. Maybe on a bus when you’re drunk, but even then, I would feign a heart attack rather than risk catching the TMI disease.

If only there was a cure. The best defense mechanism I have is complete ignorance. I always feel that, if I pretend not to notice the TMI carrier, don’t breathe, and don’t make eye contact, maybe I can avoid it. But it’s not just me, because TMI carriers are indiscriminate and they will overshare to anyone. Maybe one day there will be an uprising in class and she’ll be killed. Sadly, sometimes things like that have to happen, for the good of the group.

How very Machiavellian.

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