Monthly Archives: April 2008

Seriously. Bad. Idea.

All these things, when occurring in relatively the same span of time, make for a seriously bad idea:

New green tea hand lotion.

Eating salty pita chips.

Typing.

Reaching back to scratch that tiny itch on the back of my knee.

 

Don’t try this.

 

Seriously.

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In addition to the touching…

…I was also hoping for a nice serenade.

From my massage therapist who looks uncannily like Harry Connick, Jr.

I wonder if anybody’s ever told her that?

 

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Filed under It's awkward now

Sweet iLife

I rather enjoy thinking of myself as a Luddite of sorts.  I don’t have blue tooth. I don’t text message.  I actually don’t care a whole lot about the cell phone thing overall – I lost mine for about four days last week, and for three of those days I didn’t even realize it was missing.

I like to ride my bike instead of drive, if possible.  I prefer NPR to TV as a general rule. And I really, really wish that e-mail didn’t exist.  If there was a way to have the Internet – SWEET INTERNET! – but no e-mail, I would be all over that like, well, like bloggers on Internet.  Fo’ real.

However, I realized that thinking of myself this way is fundamentally flawed, and not just because I love my mac laptop more than most people love their cats. 

This epiphany jumped up and rudely smacked me in the face (because 19th century British textile artisian revolutionaries can be bitches like that) when I realized I had accidentally left my iPod at work over the weekend. 

And then I realized that I would have to go on ahead and throw myself down to the ground, prostrate in grief for two straight days. Because what else can you possibly do with yourself if  you can’t have Ira Glass whisper sweet podcast nothings DIRECTLY into your ear every morning, I ask you?!?!?

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Celebrity Amalgamation Fun, Vol. 1

Guy across the hall from me is:

 

Donald Trump in the dome piece, but the wave of office dude’s hair falls perpendicular to the Donald’s.  Both are still completely ridiculous.

 

Ira Glass in the eyes.  Well, he’s mostly Ira in the glasses.  Large, black framed, much too large for his face.  And so, might I mention, are Ira’s Glasses.  My love affair with his voice is forever, but the rest of him…not so much.

 

Where’s Waldo? in the body.  This guy is skinny and you can never find him when you need him. Also, he tends to go to the carnival a lot.  It’s uncanny, really.

 

Bill Cosby in the sweater choice.  If this were truly a children’s book, instead of looking for Waldo, Bill Cosby as Heathcliff Huxtable would be in a mad dash to find his clothing, because this dude has it ALL.

 

Can you play this game with anyone you know?

 

 

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All 32, if he’s lucky

“I’m pretty sure he is moving here from Virginia.  Or maybe Vermont…? I can’t remember.”

“Why does it matter? People from Vermont, on average, have more teeth.  That’s the only difference.”

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Not the Martin Luther way

I’m having a “communal hippie dinner” with my Lutheran ladies tonight. Well, at least, that’s what we’re calling it.  In reality, I think that’s probably just a cooler sounding name for “Good Ol’ Fashioned Potluck!”.  Either way, bringing Martin Luther-Approved food* to a gathering of Martin Luther-approved people is, naturally, the Lutheran way.

 

If you have any doubts about this, check the green book. It’s listed in the back, under the heading: THE LUTHERAN WAY: STUFF TO DO TODAY.  These lists are alphabetical, as is also the Lutheran way, so Potluck! fits in nicely, right before Think About Stuff To Feel Guilty For, and immediately following Keep Emotions To Self.

 

It’ll keep you busy, being a Lutheran.  Jam packed days.

 

Anyway, I had to make a quick grocery run a few minutes ago to pick up my part of hippie dinner – spinach salad with apples, feta cheese, craisins and balsamic vinegarette – when I was chatted up in the weirdest place yet: self-checkout of King Soopers.

I bought two granny smith apples for the salad, and one red gala apple for my lunch today.  I only used one plastic bag for all my produce purchases (see: hippie) and that was the start of the confusion. Luckily for me, the 47 year old grocery guy felt compelled to come over and explain to me how I should technically be using three separate bags (and also punching Mother Nature in the face simultaneously) instead of one, because that’s the way it works here at the grocery store.

He also showed me how I could take my one gala apple out, so as not to confuse the system, and place it gently on the scanner and in doing so, he fondled my apples, and my elbow.

All I have to say is that I DO NOT think pervert salad is on the list of approved foods for Lutherans. NO IT IS NOT.

*In case you were wondering, The Martin Luther-Approved Foods List generally includes the following:

 

         Anything that ends in salad. Tuna salad, egg salad, Jell-O salad, green salad…

         Jell-O on its own.  Preferably molded into the shape of a cross, fruit optional.

         Donuts. Whole preferred, but holes also accepted.

         Free trade coffee, because it satisfies our need to do something good in the world without having to interrupt our routine in any marked way.

         Casseroles of any sort.

         Pervert salad.

 

Updated: please let me know if I left any foods off the list.  This is critical stuff, people!

 

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Filed under Friends, It's awkward now

Classic corporate moment of the day – HEY!

When the Vice President of the company charges through the office in a very busy and important manner, nostrils flaring and eyes ablaze, looking askance at people who are talking too loudly (IT’S UNPROFESSIONAL!) and then….

…his cell phone rings.  Playing a happy, digital version of the classic ditty all young pianists aspire to learn, “The Entertainer!”

I don’t know about you, but that song makes me want to snatch up my monkey and crank organ, toss on a bowler hat, and give everybody a great big HEY! and a nice slap on the back of their striped carnie vests.

In the most professional manner possible, of course.

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