I’m having a “communal hippie dinner” with my Lutheran ladies tonight. Well, at least, that’s what we’re calling it. In reality, I think that’s probably just a cooler sounding name for “Good Ol’ Fashioned Potluck!”. Either way, bringing Martin Luther-Approved food* to a gathering of Martin Luther-approved people is, naturally, the Lutheran way.
If you have any doubts about this, check the green book. It’s listed in the back, under the heading: THE LUTHERAN WAY: STUFF TO DO TODAY. These lists are alphabetical, as is also the Lutheran way, so Potluck! fits in nicely, right before Think About Stuff To Feel Guilty For, and immediately following Keep Emotions To Self.
It’ll keep you busy, being a Lutheran. Jam packed days.
Anyway, I had to make a quick grocery run a few minutes ago to pick up my part of hippie dinner – spinach salad with apples, feta cheese, craisins and balsamic vinegarette – when I was chatted up in the weirdest place yet: self-checkout of King Soopers.
I bought two granny smith apples for the salad, and one red gala apple for my lunch today. I only used one plastic bag for all my produce purchases (see: hippie) and that was the start of the confusion. Luckily for me, the 47 year old grocery guy felt compelled to come over and explain to me how I should technically be using three separate bags (and also punching Mother Nature in the face simultaneously) instead of one, because that’s the way it works here at the grocery store.
He also showed me how I could take my one gala apple out, so as not to confuse the system, and place it gently on the scanner and in doing so, he fondled my apples, and my elbow.
All I have to say is that I DO NOT think pervert salad is on the list of approved foods for Lutherans. NO IT IS NOT.
*In case you were wondering, The Martin Luther-Approved Foods List generally includes the following:
– Anything that ends in salad. Tuna salad, egg salad, Jell-O salad, green salad…
– Jell-O on its own. Preferably molded into the shape of a cross, fruit optional.
– Donuts. Whole preferred, but holes also accepted.
– Free trade coffee, because it satisfies our need to do something good in the world without having to interrupt our routine in any marked way.
– Casseroles of any sort.
– Pervert salad.
Updated: please let me know if I left any foods off the list. This is critical stuff, people!