The moth men cometh

Can I just say something weird?  I feel like we know each other so well, Internet, and by virtue of our longstanding relationship, I feel like I can tell you things and you won’t judge me.  Too much.

So here I go, telling you the weird thing that I need to tell you right this very moment:  I am terrified of moths. Terrified.  I know that there’s some cutesy little story about how moths used to be butterflies, but they gave up their colors to save a rainbow one day and blah blah blah, moths are very nice giving creatures.

Whatevs.  They scare the hell out of me. 

I used to hold it (and by “it”, I mean the pee) all the live long night at summer camp as a child because 10,000 moths would congregate in the bathroom and have a fiesta, covering the emergency lights like quivering fur lampshades. I would rather cramp up and die than go into the camp bathroom at night.

I once broke several light bulbs on our dining room chandelier when I decided to take matters into my own hands and be rid of the moths, by way of a fly swatter in my tennis arm.  My mother was not too pleased with this development.  “Development” being a nice word for “shards of glass all over the dining room,” but I tried to explain to her how moths make me behave in irrational ways.  Kind of the way I make my mother behave sometimes, so you’d think she would understand…

And I almost passed out one night last week – this is recent people, so pay attention – when I was sitting on the back deck reading and I felt a funny fluttering on my sternum.  Not the good fluttering, mind you, like when you see a hot man specimen or when you get the Pottery Barn catalogue on the same day as the Anthropologie catalogue, but a physical fluttering. I looked down to see a moth casually flexing its wings betwixt my bosoms. Yes, I think it’s safe to say my shit was flipped that night.  As anyone within hearing distance can attest.

And now, as I write this very blog entry, there is a moth flitting and traipsing about near the ceiling fan, all the while starting to lower his malicious self toward the bright, hypnotic screen of my beautiful MacBook.  


This will not do.


Will you save me?


PS – I once read somewhere (in a legitimate and scholarly publication, no doubt) that Tyra Banks is scared to death of dolphins.  Those happy jumping geniuses of the sea.  At least I know I’m not the only whackadoo with a fear of something strange.  What are you most afraid of?

PPS – You better comment, even if I don’t know you.  People are reading this site, so de-lurk yourselves at once!  Unless the thing you’re most afraid of is commenting on strange web sites.  In which case, I completely understand.

PPPS – Thank you.




Filed under Digressions, My World

6 responses to “The moth men cometh

  1. Eryn

    Darling chach,
    I will reply and tell you my most irrational fears. There are three:
    Tornadoes (moving to Missouri was a dumb idea, by the way)
    Water (thankfully cured by a wonderful seabound excursion we took together)

    and the third is most embarassing, and very politically incorrect, so I’ll tell you during our next phone date if you are still interested.

    Much love,

  2. Duncan

    Oh how I laughed out loud at the blog posting… you and Diablo must be related (and by Diablo I mean the Cody variety, not the Satan variety). Your words are tot hilarious!

    My most irrational fear? hmmm… let me think.
    I would probably have to say dark mountain lakes.
    You know the variety… beautiful mountain lake, hugged by mountain peaks, as cold as a Russian in February – yes, those ones. I think it all comes back to part in Land Before Time where Littlefoot get Sharptooth to fall in that deep, dark lake. That thing was deep! You never know what sort of creature might be living down there.

  3. Jess

    I hate clowns. Terrified of them. As a wise woman once said, “Nothing’s scarier then a clown.” (Carrie Bradshaw)
    Also, guns and snakes. Even in movies I am scared that both of them will jump out of the screen and attack me.

  4. Krista

    Silly Hilary. Oh how you’ve grown up. My most irrational fear? When an airplane lands. I love taking off, I love flying, but I cannot stand when the airplane lands. Something about the sound the wheels make when they contact the ground. If I’m flying alone, woe be to the person stuck in the seat next to me!

  5. Hajni

    Feet and public bathrooms. Probably for the same reasons…they are both GROSS. AND, just because it deserves its own category…Ass Trains. I pray I never have to ride one again…

  6. Pingback: Bugged «

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