I know, I know. You don’t like to talk about poo. It makes you feel uncomfortable and squirmy inside (no disgusting free association intended here, but it might happen anyway) and a little bit hot in the face.
I used to be afraid to talk about poo, too. Until one rainy day, in the back of LP’s car, (not that it matters that I identify that it was her car – LP stopped reading this post about nine words in) she and JB and I had a long and serious poo-related conversation that made me realize not only was it unhealthy to keep my feelings about poo inside (constipated, if you will?) but in my reluctance to talk about poo in any way, I was missing out on the opportunity to exploit and mock a universal truth: everybody poos.
Yessiree, it’s just like the children’s book says. Jennifer Aniston poos, the president poos, your mom poos, you poo. Nothing to be ashamed of here.
However, to expand upon this further, it must also be realized that one’s coworkers poo.
Enter the Poo-Related Monday Query: Why, oh why, dear coworkers, must you poo in the upstairs bathroom? The one where everybody goes to do less time-intensive bathroom activities?
Yes, I know, we have established that everyone poos. HOWEVER – when I walk in and a mystery mid-pooing coworker is indeed mid-poo, things get very uncomfortable when she (whoever she is) tries to deny this fact by gingerly perching atop her porcelain seat, carefully lifting up her feet and breathing quietly until I walk back out. Like a snow rabbit who has found the last carrot on the tundra and so stays stock still until the threat has passed, I often catch a mid-pooing coworker while brushing my teeth after lunch, and boy howdy is it awkward for me to be standing there, taking my time to polish my pearlies, while I know this coworker is trying to quietly conceal the state of affairs that is occuring in the last stall.
I say, either get on with your bad self no matter who hears you, OR go downstairs to the lesser used bathroom that was made, clearly, for situations such as this.
But for the love, do not perch mid-poo. Not only does it seem like it would be annoying, but also incredibly dangerous. After all, the only thing worse than being interrupted while doing the do, would be losing balance while doing the do.
Because that’s awkward. And potentially messy. And sooooooooo not the way Jennifer Aniston would do it.
PS – Hi LP! Did you make it all the way to the end of this post? Did you? Are you freaking out right now, because I said poo so many times (17 times, be precise) ? Call me!