I wish someone would send ME to a better place

If you wanted to live vicariously through me today (c’mon, I know you do!) then I have a hilariously sad and awkward story for you.

The Players:

Man Coworker – my unfortunate coworker who not only wears a terrible, completely non-matching ALL green outfit (twice now – twice!) but he’s also the one who stutters and repeats himself and gets really offended all the time.

Woman Coworker – my lovely coworker who has had the shittiest month known to man: father-in-law passed away, father is in hospice, high school friend died in a freak car accident, and her beloved gray hound rescue dog, DOG*, that is like a surrogate child (they don’t have kids) had to be put down last week because he was really old and in horrible nerve pain.  And everyone knows all of this because she just tears up randomly in meetings (which no one blames her for AT ALL) so we’re all trying to be extra sensitive.

Here is what transpired:

Man Coworker and Woman Coworker** and I arrived to the staff meeting a minute before everyone else.  Woman has a picture of DOG in her planner, and Man leaned over to look at it and says to Woman (in a BABY VOICE that totally freaked me out and I hope I never EVER hear again) “Oh, is that a picture of DOG!  Oh how cute!  How is that lil’ sweetie these days?”

(Yes, he actually said lil’ sweetie – sick sick sick)

To which Woman had to respond, “Um, he’s, well, he’s gone actually.  We put him down last week.”

Um, way to pay attention to WTF goes on around here, MAN.  Really, thumbs up for you.

And then he tried to backpedal and compare it to how people would ask after his wife and he would have to admit they’d gotten a divorce.

Death of a dog that was a surrogate child…your divorce, in which both parties are still living = not in any way the same.  Except maybe to compare DOG and your ex-wife, because they’re both in a better place now.

This was even worse than the most awkward meeting ever with Man from last week, which I couldn’t even blog about, because I was too busy cleaning out my verbal filter.  It becomes clogged after meetings with Man, on account of there is so much to say and no appropriate time or place to say them.

He’s just lobbing them right out of the park these days OH. MY. GOD.

So there’s your little office tidbit for the day.  If I don’t get a book or at least a few humorous essays out of this place, I don’t deserve to call myself a writer in any capacity. 

*Not his real name.

**Also not their real names.  Surprise!


Filed under Work

2 responses to “I wish someone would send ME to a better place

  1. Hajni

    What a crazy person. Stupid man. It’s important to take note of all these things…I had no idea how many stupid people there really are in the world until I entered an office. At least we know we’re both not going to be there for long…

  2. Pingback: The spirit of Japan: Office Edition «

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