Monthly Archives: March 2009

Today’s Press Briefing

Item One:

When I have my own house, a room shall be known as The Situation Room.  Like in the White House, the home of our illustrious leader, we shall do much important business in this room.  Potential room candidates for this name include: my office, the bathroom.

Item Two:

I cannot, and will not, stop watching The West Wing.  I cannot help it, and as God is my witness, I won’t rest until I have watched all seven seasons.

That’s today’s press briefing.  More at 5pm, when we have more information from the situation room.

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Filed under Obsessions

How to annoy me:

Pronounce the word idea as idear.

“Well, I had the idear of putting the phone number directly on the form, so…”

Unless you are British, this is not funny or cute.  It’s annoying.  And without the fetching British accent, it also makes you sound like you came from a trailer park.

Unless you did come from a trailer park, in which case I’m sorry.

For you.

And for me, because now I have to listen to you talk.

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Filed under Quotes, Work

Too drunk to wear this trench coat

Two Very! Important! Things!

1. Though perhaps implied by the below post, I do not have a husband or children.  I am much too young for that.  At least, I think so.  You can do the masthead math and judge for yourself.  In fact, I’ve recently been quoted as saying that all my friends are getting married, and I’m just getting drunk.  So I think it’s safe to say that I’m not responsible enough to be married.  Nor am I probably responsible enough to be left unattended at an open bar, but just you try and stop me.

2. I totally bought and am L to the OVING that Banana Republic trench coat. Even though it’s been 70 here.  I still love it. Yes, I’m that sweaty looking spy-esque unmarried 24 year old you’ve been eyeing on the way to work in the morning.  Just say hi.  It’s fine.

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Filed under It's awkward now, WedCentral, Work

Belated Birthday Bettys

Sometimes I get a case of the Bettys.  Not Betty as in Ford (although we commend you for admitting that you clearly had a problem) or Betty as in Boop, but Betty as in Crocker.

There is a part of my feisty, feminist self – deep, deep, oh so deep down – that actually loves all things 1950.  I love aprons and pearls.  I love to vacuum.  I sometimes daydream about how fun it would be to make a big ol’ breakfast every morning and then send my husband and children away so I could shop and drink coffee and smoke long cigarettes without the spectre of the surgeon general hanging over me.   So yes, it’s true: I have an inner-1950s housewife.  And sometimes she escapes. When she’s not being sat upon by Little Suzy Fat Ass (my inner fat girl), that is.

It only takes one viewing of “Revolutionary Road” to pretty much put all that right back to the ’50s, but oh it’s nice to pretend sometimes.

And usually, when I’m pretending to be June Cleaver, is when I also get a case of the Bettys.  And when you get the Bettys, there is only one thing to do:

Happy Cakes!

That’s right, cupcakes.  

In this case, the Bettys happened to dovetail quite nicely with a birthday, which belonged to my sorority sister Gosia.  

Inspired by InchMark Journal*, I used the tiny paper circles to spell out Happy Birthday to my dear sister and friend.

 

(*This woman once worked at Martha Stewart.  MARTHA. STEWART.  Both my inner housewife and my inner fat girl would love that job.  Housewife because duh.  Little Suzy Fat Ass because hello!?!?  TWO WORDS: TEST. KITCHEN.  I am fairly sure that Martha should hire me, because I am also fairly sure that I would be fairly to moderately awesome at working for her.)

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Filed under Craftastic!, Fiesta!, Friends

Downward Bear

“Hilary, no wonder your back hurts – you haven’t been doing your exercise things lately.  You know, that exercise you do…you know.”

“Uh, no Dad!  Please, enlighten me!  What exercise thing is it that I do?”

“You know, that funny Japanese thing!  You know?  You know!”

“Ummmm, no.”

“Yeah, it’s Japanese, like tai-chi.  Or like aerobics.  Hilary.  Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

“But I don’t know what you’re talking about.  Wait – do you mean…yoga?”

“YES.  YOGA.  That’s what I said, I knew it was Japanese, yoga.  Like Yogi Bear!”

“Dad, yoga is not, in any way, related to a cartoon bear who stole picnic baskets.  Yogi Bear was definitely not into yoga.  And he wasn’t from Japan, either.”

“Wasn’t he?  Huh.”

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Filed under Family, It's awkward now

Sitting, waiting, wanting

Oh you guys.

I’m going to cut right to the chase:  I have a case of the wants.  BIG TIME.

But before we launch into a list of all the things I want, I alaso want to preemptively state a few things:

Number 1: I know, I KNOW that having a large amount of material wants is a) shallow-seeming and b) a first world feeling.  I highly doubt that people in Africa ever get grabby feeling and dream about food processors.  I am aware.  And if you are my lovely friends Jo and Ashley, who are currently living in Africa for the Peace Corps, please put on the muffs and disregard this post. 

Or just remember, before you judge, that I will make you things from my food processor when you come home. 

Number 2: I know that IN THIS ECONOMY (a phrase that has quickly become my most hated phrase, second only to “to be perfectly honest” [um, are you not always honest?  Are you usually a perfect liar?)] it’s not exactly kosher to go naming off things you want, as though it were Christmas and I were seven years old.  HOWEVER, I do still have my job and I have been financially responsible, and I almost feel like it’s my duty to not freak out and make the economy even worse, even though bitching about the economy seems to be the new cool thing.  Instead of knitting, we bitch about the economy.  iSuwannee has a rant that cracked me up, so check it out.  The economy sucks, but what can you do?  Get over it.

And finally, number 3: This is not, in any way, a plea for people to buy me things.  It’s just me, naming my wants, and then (hopefully) feeling enough satisfaction from this excercise that I don’t need to go out and buy everything.  I’ll let you know if it works.

So now, without further ado, I bring you my list of wants o’the day:

– A trench coat.  What else do you wear when the weather is freaking weird like like it has been the last few days?  You wear this:  trench

And you look great in it.  Go you!

– A beach cruiser bike, a la this one we discussed a few weeks ago.  Visions of baskets dance in my head.  And at $159, this bike is a steal.  Especially when you think that, because it’s so cute, you’re going to bike more and drive way, way less.  At least, I will.

– A corgi/sheltie mix of a dog who looks just like this:

bedroom

I would name her Rallie Mae and we’d have all sorts of adventures.  Mostly, they would be adventures in which I would wear a trench coat and ride my bike, and she would trot along beside me.

 

Fuck the economy.  What do you want?

 

*Trench coat from Banana Republic; dreamy bedroom via SFgirlbybay; fabulous dog’s provenance unknown but I sure do want her to come live with me.

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Filed under My World, Obsessions

Every dream that you wish will come true

“I dreamt about food processors last night.  And also, Abe Lincoln.”

“What do you think that means?”

“That Abe has a hankering for pesto and would like me to have all appropriate tools necessary to whip some up for him?”

“Yeah, it probably does mean that.”

“Or the ghost of Abe Lincoln is taking over Santa’s job and will be bringing me a food processor come Christmas?”

“That’s totally plausible too!”

“Or it’s that I’ve been watching way too much West Wing lately and I almost bought a food processor on Sunday, remember?” 

“Yeah, but, how realistic is that?”

“You’re right, Mom.  You are right.”

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Filed under Family, Quotes