Monthly Archives: June 2009

If it looks like a date and it seems like a date…

…it is still entirely possible to have no idea what the heck is going on.

To wit:

“So, you do realize what this seems like, right?”

“Uh, well, correct me if I’m wrong, but we seem to be lounging around in my room, and you seem to be wearing a pair of my shorts.  I also recall that  I took you to dinner a few hours ago.”

“Yup, it seems like that’s what we’re doing.  Seems kind of like all the stuff we used to do.  When we were dating.  Dinners, lounging, shorts.  You remember that, the dating?”

“Uh huh…”

“I’m just saying, it kind of seems like you just took your ex-girlfriend on a date.”

“It does seem like that doesn’t it.  Huh.”

“Huh.”

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Filed under Gentlemen Friends

Thunderbolts and Lightning

I was in yoga last night, which is my favorite place to be on a Tuesday night.  Because of all the running I do now, as well as all the sitting I do all day, my shoulders cramp up and pop and crack and are constantly in pain.  Physical therapy, massage, stretching, sitting on a balance ball in the office…nothing works except yoga.  

And so I go, every week, cracking and popping and spending an hour in both harsh pain and sweet release, stretching out my back and shoulders in preparation for the long week ahead. 

Except for last night.  Last night was different. 

Last night, for the first time ever, my poses were perfect.  My shoulders were pain-free.  My head was clear, and for the whole five minutes of meditation, instead of the usual potpurri of emotions and words and deadlines, I actually managed to think about nothing.

Which is impressive – I mean, maybe not to you, but I’m impressed with me – given that one week ago I decided to uproot my entire life.  I quit my job, I’m packing my stuff, I’m in the process of saying the long and emotional goodbyes to friends and coworkers, and I’m moving away from my beloved square state for the first time.

This was not an easy decision, as most of you know.  I’ve been crying for a week straight, at anyone who looks at me.  The Mister and I went to lunch and we never made it inside the restaurant I was sobbing so hard.  My neighbors and coworkers are baffled, because instead of excited, I seem depressed, and they don’t understand me.

But I understand me.  And the root of all the crying isn’t sadness or panic or depression really, but just an emotional reaction to the unknown.  Is this the right decision?  Am I making the right choice?  Is this where God and the universe are calling me to be?  Is this opportunity fate, as many have suggested?  I have no idea. Not a clue.

And that seems wrong, you know?  Unfair, even.  Where is that feeling of certainty?  Where is that moment of clarity where I just know that this is the right thing?  Where is that golden light shining down on me, telling me (preferably in a large, booming voice) to go forth and just do it because not only is it a great slogan, but it’s also the universe’s plan for me?  Where is my thunderbolt moment?  I have no idea.  Not a clue.

Kristin says thunderbolt moments are wonderful and clarifying.  She also says thunderbolt moments are rarer than rare, and we can’t just sit around waiting for them. 

We always listen to Kristin Wisdom because it is the best kind of wisdom: practical, loving, and always true. 

Maybe the best we can hope for from the universe isn’t a flash of light and a feeling of total certainty, but instead, a gentle nudge.

Maybe physically nudging myself into pain-free poses and a blissful state of mind is the best I can hope for right now.

Maybe I have to go so that I can one day come back, even though it’s scary and I’m not feeling very brave about it.

Maybe my body’s letting go is a gentle nudge to the rest of me that now is the time to let go and move on: from work, from The Mister and my life here, in favor of something newer and better.

And maybe the simple act of admitting that you aren’t brave is an act of courage in and of itself.  Maybe, in admitting our true feelings and fears to ourselves, we then open ourselves up to the possibility that these truths can change, our fears will abate, and life will continue to get more interesting, more exciting, more good in the process.  Honesty begets goodness.

Maybe I just had a thunderbolt moment after all.

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Filed under My World, Thinking

Should I stay or should I go?

Okay Internet, I am officially freaking out. 

I have been offered a job in San Francisco.

Do I take it?

Ready….GO!

(Seriously though, I need help deciding, and any insight you have into this situation is valuable. 

Have you ever moved away from home? 

How did you do? 

Was it scary? 

Was it a good choice?

Are you glad you did it? 

Wish you  hadn’t? 

If you lurk around on this blog ever at all, now would be the time to speak up about this please thanks!)

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Filed under Travel, Work

A random smattering of things of sorts

I have been neglecting my blog for the last two weeks-ish.  I always feel like I should apologize for doing that.  But then I always feel like asking myself why it is that I let an inanimate object of the web 2.0 variety make me feel bad things about myself.  Clearly it’s just a big hurricane of emotion over here.

I cannot stop eating dairy foods and crave them all the time. And by all the time I mean for the last three days.  Yogurt, cheese, enormous glasses of milk, cheese, and cheese.  This is only weird because I very rarely crave anything involving cows – beef, cheese or anything with a nice cow print upon it – nothing.  I am usually a straight up vegetable girl and I actually have been known to long for giant bowls of peas or 15 and a half brussel sprouts.  Some people find that weird.  Of course, those same people subsist solely on junk food and baked goods, and I find that disgusting, so there you go.  Besides, how weird is it going to be when you’re dead and I’m running marathons?  Not so weird that I won’t risk it.  Ummm anyway, cheese is great.

Speaking of marathons a little bit, I ran the BolderBoulder last weekend!  I used to not be able to run around the block, and now I can run at least 6.2 miles, most likely more.  At least, that’s what I like to tell myself. And I was not, contrary to what I assumed would happen, trampeled by skinny hippies.  No Internet, I ran the whole way, I was not trampeled, and I had such a great time running 6.2 miles that I did it again later in the week.  Although I have to tell you, it’s much easier to run when the whole city cheers for you, and it is less easy to run when you are by yourself.  So I guess it’s just like they say “Everything Is More Fun With Hippies.”  If they say that.  I guess I should ask my brother, who lives in Boulder 82% of the time.  G – Do they say that?  They should.

Speaking of The G (The G is my illustrious brother, in case you didn’t know) I would like to report a sad state of affairs: The G is actually not in Boulder like he’s supposed to be, but is, instead, in Arkansas.  Yes, that’s right, Arkansas.  Which means he’s missing out on all kinds of summer fun.  This fun includes, but is not limited to:

– Hiking in Moab with the Lutherans

– Seeing Harry Potter at the IMAX

– Riding bikes and playing with sidewalk chalk

– Drinking vodka lemonade on the deck (The G likes his girly drinks don’t you know)

– Telling me how great I look while I prance around in various wedding attire

– Scrapbooking

– Wait a second – this has turned into my summer list basically.  Which means it’s time to wrap this up.

In conclusion, I guess, this is not a post about a random smattering of things, but is mostly about feelings:  I feel conflicted, I feel fast, I feel like I miss my brother, I feel like I have way too many weddings to go to.  Oh – and I feel like I would like some cheese. 

Do you have any?

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Filed under Digressions, Family, WedCentral