Well, that was fun.
We laughed, we cried, we ate, we danced. And oh yeah – some of us even got married!
I feel relieved that everything went so well – nobody fell down, passed out, said anything inappropriate, or called off the wedding. My hair looked stupid (never go to the Skye Salon and Spa in Parker, and never have a stylist named Stacey!) but LP looked so beautiful, and as it was her wedding, that was what mattered.
She always yelled at me because “You’re so pretty!” is our default cover your ass move when you have bad news. For example:
“Hi LP! Um, so, our love chihuahua may or may not have chewed up your favorite pair of underwear and peed on your bed while I was supposed to be watching her.”
“She did what?!?!”
“You’re so pretty! Have I mentioned today, how pretty you are? PRETTY PRETTY, that’s you!”
But really – and I’m not just saying this – she looked spectacular yesterday.
As promised, I brought the funny to the wedding. At least, that’s what everybody told me! I did hear people laughing, and at the end of the toast there was lots of cheering, so I took it as a good sign. If you’d like to read my MOH speech from last night, see below.
If you don’t want to read the MOH speech, that’s cool. I mean, I’m pretty tired today, so I wouldn’t want to be reading speeches and other people’s funny on the interweb. What I would want to be doing is drinking a margarita in my pajamas at 3:30 in the afternoon. And I’m halfway there…if only I could just find that tequila….
LP’s Wedding Toast – July 3, 2009
Hello everyone. My name is Hilary and I’m your resident MOH – maiden of honor – this evening. I would like to preface this speech by letting you know that I am, in fact, going to make fun of the bride. We are equal opportunity teasers, always have been, and I give this speech knowing full well that on my wedding day, many many many years from now, when she stands next to me and gives her MOH toast, she will have her comeuppance.
Dana and I have known each other since sophomore year of college. We met when we discovered we lived in the same 20 bedroom mansion but had never met, which is a common occurrence when you live in the sorority house.
We lived together in the house together for two years, and then we lived in an apartment together for another year. And after living with someone for three years, sharing bedrooms, bathrooms, personal space, and lip gloss, you get to know them well enough you could almost write an owner’s manual.
Mike, you’ve never lived with Dana, and I have, and I have a journalism degree so I think this makes me uniquely qualified to do exactly that. And so, I present you with the Dana Partner’s Manual: full of incredibly helpful, and possibly life-saving, advice. So buckle up, and I won’t be offended if you want a copy of this later.
When Dana told me the story of your engagement, she said that her dad Sam apparently asked you if you’d ever seen Dana really mad, and if not, you might like to reconsider your offer. Sam, is that true? Did you ask that? Well, I have to agree with him. But it’s too late for that now.
One day you WILL see Dana really mad. Nobody knows when or why, but it will happen. However, I’d like to help you stave off that day for as long as possible, so I bring us to the first chapter in the Dana Partner’s Manual:
Chapter One: Having an argument with Dana.
There are a few topics of conversation never to broach with Dana:
- Who it was specifically who left the door open on a windy night, while a candle was aflame near a real (and crispy) Christmas tree, in February and almost torched you in your bed at 2 am. And also, the coffee pot was on.
Bringing these things up with Dana can only result in pain, heartache, and your possible demise. So don’t do it. Just repeat after me: I am always wrong. Dana is always right. In case you forget who is always right, you can ask her, she’ll tell you! I am wrong, she is right. Good. Say this to yourself every morning, like a mantra.
Speaking of morning, I’m glad you brought that up.
Chapter Two: Morning Time
Morning is an interesting time for Dana. For many people, morning is full of promise, shiny and new. A fresh start to a new day. But try to put yourself in Dana’s shoes. If you are Dana, morning is a time when the whole world hates you and you’ve lost the will to live.
If you want to survive the morning intact, there are just a few simple rules:
Rule number one: no talking. It’s okay to make her some coffee or cinnamon rolls, put them on a plate and the back away slowly. It’s okay to turn on some music. It’s okay to watch the news in a different room entirely. But there should be no talking in the morning.
Rule number two: no touching. Touching Dana in the morning is like poking a sleeping bear with a stick. Actually, it’s like poking a very pretty bear who used to be asleep but who is now awake, and really, really angry about it. Keep your hands to yourself, otherwise you might lose one.
Rule number three: never, under any circumstances, say anything about how her hair looks in the morning. Just don’t say those words. Actually, refer to rule number one: just don’t say any words at all.
No talking, no touching. You’re going to be fine.
Actually, you are going to be more than fine. Because life with Dana is more than fine – it’s awesome. And that brings us to our final chapter:
Chapter Three: Life with Dana
Life with Dana is always an adventure – you might get lost, you might get frustrated, you might get into a fight about something stupid like butter or Christmas trees. You might even get really mad at each other. But you will definitely get the most wonderful partner anyone could ask for.
As I’ve mentioned about a thousand times tonight, Dana is my best friend. I would even go so far as to say soul mate, because it’s a rare and beautiful thing in this life to find someone who understands you deep in your soul, who complements you, who makes you laugh, who’s there for you, and who just plain gets you. It’s rare and beautiful indeed, but not so rare that you can’t find it twice if you’re lucky. I think you’re both very lucky, because you have found that soul connection in each other.
So my final bit of advice to BOTH of you – yes, I know I’m very wise – is to nurture that connection. Choose the highest road, the kindest word, the gentlest touch. Take care of each other.
Dana and I have always joked that we’ll outlive our husbands and when we’re old we’ll wear crazy hats and start drinking at 10 am. Mike, if you take care of her as well as I know she will take care of you, I have no doubt that we’ll all be there together. I hope you look good in a crazy hat, and I hope you like vodka.
I now conclude the reading of the Dana Partner’s Manual with a toast: to Dana and her new partner Mike.